Dear Jerome, my case is different. I am 38, and have been in a Relationship with my Married Boss for 16 years. He has given me lots of opportunity in life, and wants me to remain his mistress, but now, I want someone I can call my own, and a child too.

I hooked up with an old friend of mine who wants us to get married. The problem is he has nothing of his own, and has no job. He lives in my apartment and lives off me. He is excited about getting married to me, but the dilemma now is I am in-between 2 men and wonder who to really stay with, because I love them both.

My Boss won’t marry me, but I am also at a point that I don’t really mind just having a child as a single parent, and if this old friend of mine gets married to me and it doesn’t work, as long as I have a child, I am okay with that.

Who do you advice me to Chose?

Jerome’s Reply

Personally I believe you have already become a second wife all this while without you facing it. 16 years is a long time to be actively involved with someone, and anyone at all romantically. You have built a life around and with your Boss all this while, and succeeded at it. I am sure if you write a book now on “how to have a long lasting romantic relationship with your boss”, it will be a best seller.

However, just like every other woman who is within your age group, you are beginning to want more out of life. You are at that point where your life is becoming more important to you, and you want to be a little selfish. You want to do things for yourself, and meet your own real legitimate developmental needs.

The 3 developmental needs every healthy life is built on:

• SELF WORTH (Sense of Value)
• SECURITY (Sense of Safety)
• SIGNIFICANCE (Sense of Place)

So the issue we have here is not just about making a decision between 2 men, but also about you accepting the fact that you are going through some changes that all women go through within the age group that you fall into now, and may need to be guided through it so it does not turn into a crisis for you, because you might make mistakes you could have avoided.

Going back to those 2 men though, I am of the opinion that none of them want you for you, but what they get from you. Try and ask your Boss to divorce his wife and marry you instead, and you will hear the story of your life. Stop giving the “project” you have at home all the benefits you give him, and you will realize he will not be excited about getting married to you. So let’s not just go there for now, but rather help you to settle well into your new phase in life first, and then trust me, you will know what should stay, and what should go far away from your life.