BLESS ME FATHER FOR YOU HAVE SINNED!
She called me on the phone and asked if I was Jerome, and I said yes. She then proceeded to say “My husband has been abusing our three year old daughter sexually.” Apparently if you had known me before now, you would have realized that I am used to that terrain in the sense that due to the nature of my Job as a counselor, I know some fathers are sexually abusing their daughters in Nigeria, and most of their wives know about it.
So why don’t they talk you may ask, well I think for fear of not being believed by anyone around, even members of her father’s family. And so a lot of women have decided to just stay silent and bear the consequences, and believe me there are some grave consequences. Consequences that can make the woman go insane or develop a terminal disease as a result of having internalized so much. But why can’t she just talk? You may ask again despite the fact that you may have asked the first time, but not satisfied with the answer “She may fear that no one will believe her.” But come to think of it, would you believe her? If a woman walks up to you now and says “hey, my husband is having sex with my three year old daughter”, what will be your first reaction? That she has lost it, maybe?
Well that was exactly what happened to my caller. After she told me that her husband was having sex with her three year old daughter, I told her she needed to take the girl for a checkup in case we may be confronted with a case of venereal disease or other medical conditions like the girl having a tear etc. Though this three year old girl had been reacting by not eating her food at school and coming back with her lunch box untouched. The teachers have also noticed that she was beginning to withdraw from other children and was just staying by herself, and then she was beginning to feel some itch around her vagina. Her mother apparently had noticed that too at home, but was not sure if she should react to it.
Reacting to it will mean she will have to face the fact that what she sees happening in the night on the same bed where she sleeps with her husband and her 3 year old daughter with an eighteen months old son was true. She will have to first, painfully accept that her husband usually removes her three year old daughter from her side when he assumes that she the mother had slept and then starts to finger her before penetrating her with his penis while she freezes n the same bed.
Accepting that it was true will also mean that she will have to go crazy enough to confront him, and give him no chance to deny it in any way, because that could spell trouble for her big time. Trouble because then it will be her word against his, since this three year old might not be able to say” Daddy has been having sex with me”. She will also need to know that she was ready for the consequences, because then she will have to take away her daughter with her son and run away from a man like that who definitely must be a sick man deserving to be taken in as an inmate in the psychiatric hospital, and not allowed to come out until he is certified well by the professionals, after careful examination and thorough assessments.
Thorough assessments, because allowing this man to go out from his ward/mental home without thorough assessment will mean he will go back and do worse than he has done before, and mind you, while he was abusing his daughter sexually, you can be sure he was not only abusing her alone, but other once innocent children in the neighborhood as well, because the sexual abuser never abuses just one child, but many. There have been cases where a girl was been abused in the family and never said a word to anyone, and then grows up to a full grown woman who feels she is healed now and can talk about her child hood experience with her sisters only for her to have her sisters tell her that the same criminal abused them too.
What kind of a man will do this though, and what does he gain doing this?
You cannot pin a particular profile to the abuser, believe me, and that’s why this same guy who is having sex with his 3 year old daughter cannot be easily suspected by outsiders, and even though he is accused by his wife publicly, only a deep person who looks beyond the superficial will believe, So who is capable of abusing a child like that? Well he may be the governor or former governor of the federal republic of Nigeria. He may be a Senator, Bank Manager, Federal Executive Minister, Pastor, Counselor, Psychologist, Priest, Imam, Lecturer, referred grandfather who is a disciplinarian and the list can go on. But one thing you can be sure about all of them is:
Engaging in sexual contact with young children or adolescents;
Having sexual contact with others against their will or without their consent;
Inflicting pain or humiliation on others;
Participating in or watching acts of physical aggression or violence;
Exposing oneself in a public setting; and/or
Secretly watching others who are undressing, unclothed, or engaging in sexual activities.
Those who work in this field generally agree that sex offenders are aware that acts such as rape and child molestation are not only illegal but also harmful to others. Yet they engage in this behavior anyway. This is likely the result of cognitive distortions, or pro–offending attitudes. What happens is that sex offenders may tell themselves (and even tell others) that the behavior is not harmful or that it is less serious, or claim that the victim enjoyed the behavior or initiated the sexual contact, or they may come up with justifications for engaging in sex offending behaviors, such as believing that women deserve to be treated in these ways. In so doing, these self–statements give the offenders “permission” to do something that they know is wrong, and therefore they may not feel as badly about themselves for doing it.
The reality is that we all use different types of cognitive distortions to some extent. For example, we may make excuses for driving beyond the speed limit, for “cheating” on a diet, for smoking when one is trying to quit, or for engaging in any other behavior that is problematic, illegal, or otherwise unhealthy. That way, we, too, can avoid feeling guilty or badly about what we are doing. Put simply, the process of using cognitive distortions is not unique to sex offenders. The types of cognitive distortions that sex offenders use, however, are often related specifically to their own problem behaviors, including general antisocial behaviors or sex offending behaviors.
Not surprisingly, researchers have attempted to measure these kinds of cognitive distortions among samples of sex offenders, and have found that they are fairly common—and oftentimes to a much greater extent than they are found in other samples of criminals or the general public.
But we can only talk about getting a thorough check up only if we get these men who perpetrate such criminal act to admit it at first. How many men admit that “yes I have been sexually abusing my child, and I am sorry for doing so? And that was exactly what this man in question did, he denied everything, and made everyone around him believe that the wife was not well and was the one that needed to be checked mentally. It was so bad that even the ladies who got involved with the case couldn’t believe that this lady was completely well. But that is women for you. While you find men defend other men, hardly will you find women defending themselves, but would rather side a man against their fellow women. Very pathetic I must say.
So what happened in this case? Well, she took off with her children, back to her parent’s home. Her parents didn’t give her enough support, so after so much convincing by her husband to come back home, and that everything will be alright, she went back home to her sick husband who has continued from where he stopped I’m told. So what will likely be the consequences to that? I guess we are already facing it. Do you know how many young ladies today think they are sex objects and pleasure units? Don’t you see them all over the musical videos, on our streets at night, and even in work places believing that through seduction and sex, they can move higher in their career? You can even identify some of them by their explicit sexual insinuating comments on their Profile status on facebook.
One day as she jams luck, she just might find a man that will take her to the altar and will come face to face with her father who will give her away with his blessings, and then maybe then she may have nothing else to say to her father other than “Bless me father, for you have sinned”.